Ok first off, fair warning: this post is gonna be about my confusion with American toilets/ bathrooms. This may be too much information (TMI) for some people. If such pleasantries offend thee, please come back tomorrow when I will discuss further adventures in shopping. For those of you who want to see me further embarrass myself for the sake of this blog, THIS post is for you.
Consider yourself warned.
So American toilets… its been an education. I mention this purely for the unfortunate traveller who may learn from my mistakes. Firstly, they call them bathrooms here (I guess largely cos most of the toilets are in the bathroom but often times not.)
Ignore the fact that toilets flush differently, the first thing you’ll notice about the toilets here is that the water level is full to the brim. Full. To. The. Brim. Americans who have not been to Australia, toilets are only just a little full, hardly at all. This will be important later. Most American toilets are about an inch from the top of the bowl. This is also important later.
America toilet paper is DIVINE!!!!!!!! It’s like wiping yourself with a duvet. Australian paper is like sandpaper in comparison. The lads don’t know this yet however they are sending care parcels to me when I return and top of the list is the magnificent toilet rolls. The only problem is, due to its thickness, you really don’t need as much toilet roll as you do in Australia. As such I have had a few blocked toilet adventures (Lord. My housemates must have thought I was mentally challenged the number of times I had to flush) before I adjusted for the new, super-duper rolls. (Again the lads don’t know that yet, either – this post is just gonna be just chock full of surprises for them)
The horrible thing about the so-full-its-painful toilet bowl is that there is only an inch of rim to aim at when you need to urinate. Wesley and I went to visit his parents and his sister Dani (pronounced, Dana, remember.) Meeting Wesley’s mother, Colleen, is like meeting the queen. She is an utterly wonderful woman. There’s a southern regalness to her that makes me neurotic, however. While we were there I needed to go to the toilet, which was tricky as the bathroom was near where the queen was sitting. Wesley had preceded me and was quiet as a mouse. I went afterwards and couldn’t for the life of me be quiet. It sounded like a downpour on a tin roof in a flood. I kept stopping and starting as I felt sure everyone in the living room could hear me. I thought I might have got away with it until Dani yells out “Don’t forget to wash your hands!!!” When I got out of the bathroom everyone had moved to the other side of the room to avoid the noise.
I was dying.
Colleen regally ignored my embarrassment but Wesley and Dani were not that forgiving. Wesley has an evil grin like a Cheshire cat and Dani smiles sweetly and says “Well that was lovely.” I couldn’t look Colleen in the eye for the rest of the visit.
Finally there are the toilets in the shopping centres or airports which have no visible means of flushing. Certainly there is no button or lever to push. Evidently there seems to be some type of infra-red or sensor thing that makes the toilet flush automatically. I am not sure how this works. I jump around in front of the toilet like an indian doing a rain dance but the toilet remains steadfast in its refusal to flush. It eventually does so, presumably after the toilet stops laughing at me. I suspect the flushing may be magic. I am still to work out how to make the blasted thing flush. They will take away my Mensa card at this rate.
TMI?
Away For A Bit 
That wasn’t TMI. I have a friend who wondered how he was going to keep his goolies dry for the sit-down part of toileting! LOL
I always try to pee quietly, too. Never succeed. Good thing we can at least close the doors, or we’d have serious retention issues. Imagine us as homo erectus living in caves!
Perhaps Wesley dipped? Did you ever think of that? It’d be like peeing in a cool pool.
TMI from my end?
Oh that cracked me up Nic. I believe years of practice has improved his aim however peeing in a cool pool is inspired.
oohh Nicola has given a new dimension to the blog! As for me, I did wonder if J.W sat down during his performance, and what for us of the female persuasion??? Are we forever bound to deal with splash back? I look forward to trying out the loo roll when you get home and get your care package, if you can bring yourself to share!!!
This is one (b)log not to poo-poo !!!!!! Ha!Ha! I make myself laugh!!!
I didn’t want to mention splash back as I thought my post was…. mmmm.. possibly tasteless enough anyway however splashback is a problem. Think why men need to sit and then imagine tidal waves hitting your butt. That blog could have been way more gross than it was.
Ok, I have to chime in. There is an art to aiming for the edge of the water, while standing to micturate, in order to not make a sound. Although Nicola could be right….the water was nippy, of in the girl’s case – nipply.
Nigel is exaggerating of course, the water is more than an inch from the rim, and most boys, ahem, do not brush the water, unless chubbies are involved.
Nigel was not exaggerating about my mom. She is a regal lady of southern gentility. And although all of us heard Nigel’s sputtering and splashing, my mom never said a word!
I did wonder why, after buying a jumbo package of 24 double size rolls the day before Nigel arrived, that we were indeed out as of yesterday. Not one roll in the house. Please remember he spent 1 week in Maryland and 1 week at the lake house and yet we were completely out at the Charlotte house. Now I know…….
And I tremble to see the water bill……….
That is completely genius!
As i say Wesley has had more practice aiming at that tiny sliver of porcelain. I am a novice.
Im SO glad you mentioned the spluttering, J Wesley Thompson. I didn’t mention for fear of being too gross that when I realised I was being loud, I kept stopping and starting in embarrassment and to prevent the sound carrying. All this succeeded in doing was spraying myself everywhere. my trousers were soaked, fortunately covered by the fashion over here to wear your shirt out.
i apologise profusely for the toilet roll drought and the impending water bill. I trust that this has been my most successful blog post ever (which says a lot about my friends) will appease you somewhat.
Ah Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha! ooohhh I feel like a young boy laughing at this toilet humour, but THIS blog is way funny…but I am sure Lady Colleen would be disappointed with us ALL !!!! Damn you Nigel (and you get a serve too J.Wesley) for dragging me down to the gutter…or should I say the toilet rim…. but I am still guffawing !!!!!! Love you x
Queen Colleen was read today’s blog by Wesley. She LOVED it.
She thought I should be on the Comedy Channel, not the rubbish they put on currently. (I’m paraphrasing, Im sure Wesley will write her proper resposnse when he wakes up.)
I was dying. – Thas so funny. LOL
Thanks buddy. Much appreciated