Well this took a turn I hadn’t expected.
I was wracking my brains trying to think of who I was crushing on in the teens and couldn’t think of a one. I suspect that I was so full of self loathing at the time for having homosexual thoughts that I didn’t allow myself the luxury of actually lusting after anyone. I certainly remember the teens being years full of ‘I really am straight and goodness dont those boobies look lovely’ self deception. I remember having chats with my friends about how bosoms were the most amazing thing ever and I would stand there (you never sat in High School) and wonder what all the fuss was about. I spent my formative years loathing myself. There was not time for crushes. Crushes were signs of weakness.
In an effort at self-denial I would buy playboys and other stick books and try to find the nude women arousing. I just kept thinking they looked cold. On the plus side I have a stunning knowledge of 80’s racing cars and fly fishing. (It would appear most playboy readers had only the three interests.) It was one of the few times in my life I showed endurance, sadly. I managed to keep the whole denial/ you are the most useless evil person schtick going all the way through university. Uni should have been a fabulous time of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Instead I spent the entire time in prayer meetings with well-meaning Christians who, among other things, told me being gay was the biggest sin in the world. Stupidly I went along with them. It was a comfortable hell. Without realising they were doing it, they reinforced the self loathing beliefs I had about myself. Seriously, that’s the one moment in my life I wish I had a time machine to go back and correct. Uni was a mess.
Steps towards acceptance came only after years of self-disgust and loathing. Realising I was dying and needed saving, one of my uni Christian friends looked at me knowingly and told me simply “God doesn’t make mistakes.”
She was right. I stopped hating myself for whom I was. I mean, seriously, why would anyone choose to be in a minority group?
So in all of that time I never allowed myself the luxury of lusting after anyone. (which may go to explain my whack a doodle tendencies now.) Fortunately (or rather sadly, really, as I had grown way beyond such fantasies by then) I indulged in one last hurrah before being yanked from the closet. This man (and for the Adelaide people this will be hilarious)
George Donikian. Newsreader on the new multi cultural television station SBS. Now for Adelaide readers, who have known him as the newsreader for channel 10, now considerably older and much, much more stuffy, this will seem an odd, positively hysterical, choice. However at the time , in his younger days, he was a total stud. Truly aDelaideans.He was amazing. And the way he pronounced all of the foreign cities as he read the news. Every syllable accented and extended, every T was guttural. It was like poetry being read to you at news times by a swarthy market seller.
You knew you were in the presence of a talented tongue.
I figured it was time to move on from fantasy stuff. I moved onto realio trulio people from here. No, the irony isn’t lost on me either.
Away For A Bit 
My teen crush was my best friend at the time… still is, really although we’ve grown apart. He’s married and has a kid, but we can always hope, right??
I am whistling, looking up at the ceiling…
I know this is going to bring the party down, but will you forgive me if my first and truest reaction to this is utter fury that our world can contain such ignorant hatred and fear that a young man (or woman) would be driven to such levels of self-loathing as you describe for nothing more than being attracted to someone other than that which attracts the majority? What the fuck is wrong with people?
Sitting here stewing in a seething pot of rage, to be frank.
One might as well despise, legislate against, punish and even kill people who prefer dark chocolate to milk. It just doesn’t make sense.
As Louis CK points out, where is the sense in hating gays? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1d63ClccjjE&feature=related
I’m just going for a walk now, to calm down. Sorry to be such a serious old bag.
awww sweety….
dont forget the number one rule of life; people are stupid.
hugs….
go Nic, I am with you! BTW I wish I had known you back then Nige, I would have set you straight, errrr well set you right LOL! How dare those fools.You are a beautiful person and deserve love and respect and oodles of it.Those misinformed buffoons don’t matter in your world.Keep your head held high and feel nothing but sorrow for their stupidity! Remember, we are abominations together, do you remember that?BTW Nicola, I am not only lesbian, but love dark chocolate!! Thank goodness you are on our side LOL
aww sweety
i fondly remember the abomination parade. Ahh memories
And thank you
Also thanks for tonight and all the lovely hendriks…… yu-um
I hesitate to reply as the girls have really said it well.
But here ya go……I grew up in a South where men did not speak of which side their bread was buttered, and we all got married, had kids, and then went on fishing/camping/hunting trips with our best bud(s) and whatever happened that night was always pretended to be forgotten the next morning – due to the alcohol the night before. I likely would have followed in this same path had it not been for the “Come Out” movement that consumed the Americas in the late 70’s.
My most memorable sexcapades occured during Boy Scout jamborees, church retreats with the Southern Baptist version of Boy Scouts known as the Royal Ambassadors and later on with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF) weekend “mission” trips to inner cities, homeless shelters, Appalacia, etc., etc., etc.
Hmm, I wonder if it’s too late………………oh never mind.
Wow! never too late buddy. LOL
and your christian group sounds way more fun than mine. Clearly I needed to be there.
Nigel, I’m so sorry that you were treated in an unloving manner by fellow Christians. I really am.
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Our number one goal should always be to reflect the awesome love of Jesus!
Aww Peggy, you’re a sweetheart.
It was a different time. Being gay was still considered illegal or deviancy or both, the group I was with reflected the mindset of the era.
I don’t hold any malice towards them. I just wish I’d done it differently.
However regrets are the way to madness, so onward….