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Archive for the ‘Adelaide’ Category

Still on nights. Still loving it. Still grabbing snippets of films that play on the television behind my head. Tonight’s genre: horror.

When you are being chased by a murderer, the best place to hide is a closet or a toilet. No exit that way. Well thought through.

If you have a climactic battle with the murderer at the end of a film and you think you’ve killed the murderer in a battle to the death, don’t drop your weapon next to the prone body of the killer and act surprised when same killer mysteriously rises from the dead using the weapon you’ve conveniently left for them.

If you do manage to knock the killer down in a battle to the death, best to stake them through the heart. Even if they’re not a vampire that will sort them. And if they are a vampire, you’ve got all your bases covered. Decapitation will also work.

If you’re a sheriff or some type or authority figure in a horror film, your IQ will be subnormal. If you had the vaguest inkling of intelligence as sheriff you would have worked out the paper-thin plot before the first commercial break.

If ever you are in a haunted house, do not freak out at poltergeist moving the furniture around. Before bed, leave your house really messy with plates thrown on the floor etc, and then in the morning the house will be cleaned and the plates put away.

Walking into the woods alone because you forgotten to take your Vitamin Z tablet when you know there is a murderer on the loose is Darwin Award stupidity and deserving of the inevitable outcome.

If you hear a noise in your house and you ask “Who’s there?”, and no-one answers, and the house is super creepy and the lights don’t work and there’s a storm outside, don’t go further into the house to see what the noise was. Leave the house and get someone to come with you and act as a human shield moral support for you.

It’s a sign of a special type of horror film that when the heroine  is hiding from a killer, you yell at the screen to tell the murderer where she is cos you reallllllly want this dreck to end.

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This came in the mail today. As I ordered it a week ago, I was not surprised to see it though pleasantly surprised at the speed with which it came.

In case you can’t read it, the book, Blue Box Boy, is a memoir of Matthew Waterhouse who played the companion Adric in the television series Doctor Who from 1980 to 1982.  Tragically I did not need to look that up.

When he became a companion in the show I was 15 and 16. A very young 15 and 16. I was completely smitten with Doctor Who and still am, to a degree. When Waterhouse was a companion, I was obsessively keen. Joined the fan club. Bought the merchandise. Watched the show religiously.

Some of these things are still true.

Whats interesting about reading this book though is its capacity to be a time capsule of my life at the time of watching. I look back on my teens with amazement now.

Instead of posters of big busty woman (still in denial at 16 and soooooo much later) I had posters of the Doctor Who companions. Instead of dates with big busty women ( denial, denial, denial) I was meeting anoraks at Doctor Who conventions.  Instead of shagging like rabbits like all of my friends, I was home collecting Doctor Who figures.

You have a LOT to answer for, show.

The book itself is very good. It would appear that joining the show was not the superbness Waterhouse was hoping for. Which is ironic really as the show itself, at that time, wasn’t the superbness I remember either.

Certainly with the benefit of hindsight.

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It’s interesting what posts generate responses. I can’t predict it. Something I think will be hysterical gets no response, something I do as a desperate attempt for blog postings is HUGELY popular and generates loads of positive emails. (I’m looking at you, Word Around Town)

So my intention was to carry on with my Depths of Night Duty spiel with different themes however I  received a lot of email responses about it (why do people send me emails and not comment on the blog? No idea)

Anyways one of the emails I got was the take on police films from a genuine Realio Trulio Policey  so I thought I would lift it wholesale pay homage to what real policeys think of the media that portrays them.

The following is mystery Policey’s words:

“I’ve noticed a few things about Police films which are complete shit…

Police officers work together better if:
1) The more experienced one, who up until the beginning of the film has always worked by himself, is paired up with;
 a) a rookie
 b) a woman
 c) a minority
 d) a gay
 e) an ex-lover (from (a to d))
 f) a cute animal or kid
 g) anyone, by orders coming”straight from the fifth floor!  you got it?”
2) Anyone, as long as they are polar opposites; yuppie and a slob, racist dinosaur and a black, misogynist and a woman, staid family man and a suicidal cop-on-the-edge or by-the-books cop and a wildcard maverick, particularly if they start out hating each other.
3) One of them is about to retire and the other is crazy.

Every crime can be solved.  Usually with the death of the crook.  And, in two hours, no less.  With no paperwork.

Prostitutes have hearts of gold.

All cops like and get along with each other and are all competent and hard-working.

All captains are black.

All cops, no matter their age, fitness or weight, can out-fight someone no matter their opponent’s age, fitness or weight.

All cops are quicker on the draw that anyone else.

All cops can shoot a gun/knife out of someone’s hand (which, shits me to absolute tears!) ”

Thanks, mystery Policey, for writing todays blog. Oh and time to get back to the firing range buddy. You need to be able to disarm with a bullet. I don’t feel safe otherwise.

And by racist dinosaur I presume you mean bigoted person who has been in the job too long as opposed to Tyrannosaurus Rex police Constable who hates velociraptors…. Personally, I would kill to see that film.

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Happy Birthday To Me

Dont panic. It’s not my birthday and you missed it. My Birthday is on June 29. You missed it then. 🙂

Wesley sent me a birthday card before my birthday from Charlotte, North Carolina and we weren’t hopeful it would arrive in time for my birthday in Adelaide, South Australia.

As you can sort of see, the card was posted on the 21st of June

Today, the 28th of September I received it. That’s almost 3 months late. One of the things that can happen (note to my  international fan base) is that if you write SA instead of South Australia then the letter/ post etc is likely to go to South Africa. It’s wierd like that.

HOWEVER not in this case. In this case, and according to the absolutely unclear photo below, the card arrived in Newton (my nearest post office) on the 24th June.

I know the pic is not clear but, trust me, it says the 24th June. So it arrived in South Australia 5 days before my birthday and today, 28th September I get it. So my question, and it’s not an unreasonable question, is what has it been doing in the last 3 months? Did it slip behind a desk? Did it get sent elsewhere? (no evidence of that on the envelope) Was it, and I suspect this is the truth, held by an evil employee of Australia Post whom, for some unknown reason because I am a saint, has a grudge against me??? This one makes the most sense.

Anyway my birthday card. Three months late and still gratefully received, thank you Wesley and Trey.  My birthday stretched for three months this year. That’s a record, even for me.

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As I have previously mentioned, I am on night duty at work and loving it. As I have also previously mentioned, there is a television here that staff can watch when there is a lull in calls. While I do not watch anything religiously overnight, I am able to grab snippets of the drama unfolding behind me on the television.

The night shift is where all films go to die. No one is up except students, the unemployed and shift workers so the target population for ratings is not a big concern for the tele programmers. Hence classic films such as Satan’s School For Girls ( I LOVE this film); Dinocroc; any Nicole Kidman film or the epic Gingerbreadman 2: Passion of the Crust get air play. (The last is a fib. I would have KILLED to have seen Gingerbreadman 2: Passion of the Crust on night duty. There is nothing about that that doesn’t scream quality.)

So again, in the interests of preventing you, my faithful readers from having to endure this form of mind dreck torture I present to you things I have learnt from night shift films:

If you die, arrest, flatline etc  then being hysterically screamed at “You come back to me [insert name of dead person]” will not miraculously cure them of death after all medical science has failed.  Feel free to do this in a real ED though. The staff work very hard and  probably could use the giggle.

If you are shot on film, applying a tourniquet to stem the bleeding works anywhere, even if you apply the tourniquet below the wound or on the non injured limb.

Depending on the wound; a bullet to the leg may kill you outright. A bullet to the heart may kill you but only after you have successfully rewired a computer system to allow for the building to have its telephone systems again.

If you want to rely on someone in a murder investigation and tell that person pertinent information that only you know, it is 100 per cent likely you have confessed this stuff to the murderer.  This is 110 per cent likely if you have not told anyone where you are or that you are meeting said person.  (In fact I am surprised the police don’t use this as an investigative tool. “To whom would you most likely confess all your secrets?” = Found our man.)

Similarly the police should use the Person You Least Suspect rule in all murders as all crimes on television are committed by the person you least suspect.. It would save a lot of time. Policeman 1: “who do we least suspect in this murder?” Policeman 2 :  “The Pope!”

When you get shot in the head, you will die clutching your stomach.

You can use an Uzi and not successfully hit someone who is running away from you in a straight line if that person is a) the star of the film or b) the murderer (This could be another tactic for police investigation.  I hope my policey friends are taking notice of how much work I am saving them.)  If you are second billed in a film or, God forbid, an extra then a blind person could fire a BB gun at five feet from where you are standing and you will die. Clutching your stomach.

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Best. Email. Ever

Apologies for those who may have seen this before. I received this a while back and recently rediscovered it.  Rereading it I still had tears of laughter streaming down my face.

Bear in mind, my humour is intensely black so this may not be everyone’s cup of tea. However I think this is Gold.

Presenting: Missing Missy

Story goes : Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence…

Read from top to bottom….

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From:David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news.
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

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Just Say No To Plastic

I have been a hoarder of collectibles for much of my life. This came to an end when I moved into my new house and there was simply no room for such things. They sit in boxes, unloved and unobserved and seem completely pointless.

In many of my wistful daydreams of being able to go back to Past Nigel and warn myself of future dangers, the tragedy is that instead of exciting pitfalls like “Dont go having  a relationship with that serial killer” or “That building is about to blow up, jet setting Nigel. Don’t go in there.”, Future Nigel would go back to the past and tell himself “Stop buying collectibles, your house is going to be too small” and “Stop eating, you fat bastard.”  Hardly a gripping life.

So perhaps Future Nigel may visit Today Nigel and say “What did I tell you about the collectibles???” however, for the moment, I do not care. This came in the post today.

And when you open it, it looks like this.

Which is simply stunning and makes my heart skip at its awesomeness.

And while I have been extremely good and not bought plastic for years now, this I could not resist. And if a similar set of all the Doctors Companions came out….. It may mean another visit from Future Nigel.

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Lauren

My niece was born on the 24th Of June 2010.  I started writing about it at the time however there was a bit of lull going on with me then and so didn’t finish it.

I’m  currently on nights and trying to get posts written ahead of schedule so as to maintain a daily input and get into practice for the next holiday. I have ten draft posts from that time, all incomplete. Some of them are less than giggles so you may not see them. This one I should have completed at the time.

Lauren Emily was born, as I said, on the 24th of June, the exact same day that Toy Story 3 was released. (This will become important later) In fact, as she was popping out I was at the cinema wearing my 3D glasses and loving the film. (Have you seen it? It’s really good!)

Anyway I come to visit the new niece after the film is done and that’s always a big deal. you know how some babies come out kinda squishy and they’re not actually all that attractive post birth (which, to be fair, is completely understandable. That’s a really small canal they’re coming through.)  Anyway babies are fine; I’m really good with babies but don’t lie to me and say all babies are beautiful. Some come out mished. Some come out perfect.

Lauren was perfect.

I mean seriously, is that not a pretty baby?

And this is from a man who prefers puppies.

In honour of her birth and in an effort to try to come up with a “Wow, Youre Alive” present that no-one else came up with I thought outside the box. Right outside.

So on the day of her birth Toy Story 3 was released and obviously I had to acknowledge that in her present.

So I got her this:

A Buzz Lightyear Talking Action Figure With Pop Out Wings.

Complete genius and something I wish someone had given me when I was born. (Actually I wish someone had bought me a Dalek that would have been the rage when I was born. I could sell it now and pay off my house.)

Now while this possibly reflected my dodgy mental state at the time, there was method in my madness.

Firstly no-one would have gotten her that. Unique gift. Tick.

Secondly, it was a time capsule present. I knew she couldn’t play with it for years (I only look stupid) however it could sit at the back of her cupboard and come out when she could play with it and then they would think of me. I may be dead or I may not be in the country and she can stop and think of her challenged uncle who thought this was an appropriate gift for a 3 hour old baby. And, hopefully, she’ll get smiles from it.

My Sister In Law, Alison, totally got it. Bless her. Thought it was fabulous and couldn’t stop laughing, which was the intent. My brother, Robin, God Love him…. yeah….. less impressed.

I don’t think I’m gonna be asked to be a Godparent.

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I have an appalling memory.

Ask me to remember the name of someone I just met five minutes ago and I will struggle terribly. Ask me to remember the names of all the Young Talent Team in order and I have no problem. My brain has a curious sense of priority.

Entertainment trivia is like glue. Unfortunately I work in a field where that has zero benefit. Anything else and my brain is a sieve.

So I bought this in an effort to retrain my brain to be the steel trap that I know it can be.

It has been in my car for 12 days now cos I keep forgetting to bring it in.

*Is it just me or do the lyrics of mega hit ‘Memory’ from the mega hit musical Cats not actually make a whole lot of sense?   Especially when you think it’s being sung by a moggy????

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I am currently on two months of night duty. I love nights. Largely as, since I have returned to Australia, my sleep pattern has refused to leave Northern Hemisphere time zones. This will assist me as I return to the US in November, hopefully jet lag will be largely non-existent. While at work on nights, you can leave the tele on for company between calls. This is largely a pointless exercise though as after midnight all they show on the tele is infomercials.

The world through an infomercial is a very curious place. Firstly, as an audience viewer you have to look intensely fascinated by whatever crap they are hawking. Secondly, infomercials work by repetition. I think the idea is that if they keep showing the same set of information again and again you buy the product to get it off the air. That or the repetition counterbalances the lobotomy the commercial itself gives you.

So in the interests of you, my faithful readers, not having to endure this I will reveal to you the secrets of the infomercial

If you vacuum your carpet with a moveable vacuum head you can pick up smarties really easily and in really tight corners.

This same moveable vacuum head will make you smile while you vacuum your house as opposed to being really annoyed and wanting to be doing something else entirely.

You will be ecstatic when you use the moveable vacuum head on your stairs. In fact you will probably have to sit down afterwards you will be so overjoyed.

Certain makeup can conceal any blemish known to man. This includes freckles, birthmarks, scars, shark bites… In real life you will possibly look like you have an inch of foundation on your face and look not unlike a clown.

Do not let this concern you. With your makeup you should get a jar of vaseline which you can put on people’s eyeballs so as to mimic the soft focus television employs when they look at the after shots of make up improvement.

When you put said make up on you will be smiling like a loon, not concentrating intently and cursing when you smudge.

Blenders are useful at blending credit cards and shoes. I do not recommend drinking them though.

Rotating your lower body while keeping your upper bod intact will not, in fact, break your spine. Evidently you will get washboard abs and not need traction or a back brace.

You will be so happy you are twisting your torso in this way that you will  smile insanely while you rotate your body on this contraption though you may grimace when you think the camera is not on you.

Snuggies are, in fact, extremely fashionable. Wearing a blanket/ monks robe to your child’s football game, your daughter’s nativity play and your elder child’s graduation will make you the coolest parent on the planet as opposed to an extreme embarrassment and the cause of years of therapy.

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