De-Caterpillared

Apologies for the lack of chronology. I am playing catch up. This occurred last Sunday the 8th:

So how do you get from this:

To this?

You have this man (and yes, that is the genuine look of disgust on his face, which still cracks me up) take matters into his own hands.

All the while telling me off for looking like crap. Which just made it more entertaining.

After being shorn like a sheep, I headed to Baltimore to catch up with Ray.  After being burned by American Airlines before I now pay the extra to fly first class. This sounds grander than it is. It means a wider seat and more leg room which is wonderful. In terms of refreshments I got a packet of pretzels. The reason I do this though, and it turned out to be money well spent, is that more often than not, American Airlines are always late. As was the case this time. We did not depart until seventy minutes after schedule. And that’s when the extra leg room kicks in.

Money. Well. Spent.

The man sitting next to me was reading a book: “The Theology of Christianity” and he was asleep for most of the time we were waiting on the tarmac. When he woke up and realised we were still on the ground, the expletives flew. “Oh you gotta be f***ing kidding me!!!!!! What type of f***ed up c*** airline is this????? You f**king people couldn’t f***ing fly sh*t!!!!!! What c*** organised this sh*t????”

I pretended to sleep through his tantrum.

The Theology of Christianity, people. Look it up. It’s got the best words in it!

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Tales of My Beard

Remember this?

It now looks like this:

Because, yes, I FINALLY got past the ten kilo mark after weeks of hundred gram losses. Finally. Man that was a pain.

Anyway the clock is reset. On to the next ten kilos. See how feral looking I can become in the next ten.

Note to Lloyd.  I weighed myself post haircut. I possibly lost a couple of grams at most. I also expelled wind prior to weighing myself so the results may be skewed. You’ve got way more hair than me though buddy. You could easily lose half a pound. heh.

Better though, no?!

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Tales of My Beard

As you may recall I am on a weight loss bender. As you also may recall I am not cutting my hair or beard till I have lost ten kilograms. Initially I was all about my personal trainer, who weighs me fortnightly, not telling me what weight I have lost however I soon discovered my personal trainer has the poker face of a kindergarten student and it is incredibly easy to tell when I am doing well and when I am not.

And so the last few weeks have been painful to be weighed. I have lost 200 gm in the last two weeks. The first week that, last week stopped still. And it is not for lack of trying let me assure you. I am exercising like a bitch.  And despite him promising not to tell me how much I have lost it is easy to pummel his muscle toned body until he relents. Note to self: muscle does not equal strength. 

It is sort of disheartening. I will keep going though. Normally when I work really hard and don’t lose weight I say F… it and go on a chocolate bender. This time, I’m not going to let it get me down. I’m playing the long game.

So, in the mean time, the beard grows and grows. 

Impressive, no?! Yes, it is thick enough to hold the comb on its own. Its getting to the stage where I am going to be able  to smuggle drugs in it. I have often considered becoming a drug lord.

Speaking of, did you read this? I may have to reconsider Wesley’s kind offer to circumcise me. That whole opportunity of drug smuggling would be a shame to miss. Clearly drug lords need to be intact. I’d make a great drug lord. No one would suspect the guy who looks like a teddy bear.

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Tales of My Beard

This post is rated MA. Not my post itself but evidently I am going to inspire MA comments from a certain personage. I, and you, have been warned. Personally I am looking forward to the snark.

You may remember the constant battle with my weight as witnessed here and here and here and basically everywhere. The  measurement belt was consigned to the bin when I was queer eyed as it was thought the fact that it dangled like an elephant trunk between my legs was both disconcerting and giving false hope.

I rescued it from the bin, mind you, but don’t tell them.

So since the new year, and not at all inspired by new years resolutions, I have been attacking my weight again. This is the year it all changes. I have a personal trainer ( I know!!!! I mean, seriously…… ) who weighs me once a fortnight and tells me that I am losing. I don’t want to know how much I am losing as previously I have worked and worked and worked and only lost a few hundred grams or inexplicably put on a few hundred grams and I have been devastated and fallen back into bad habits.

So Jake, my PT, will let me know two things. I am losing and to keep what I am doing up and/ or when I have hit a ten kilo mark. The reason the ten kilo mark is important is that I can then attack my beard. I’ve got an incentive bet with myself that I will neither get a haircut (no real loss, I don’t have hair) or trim the beard until I’ve lost ten kilos. As such I am decidedly wooly. And probably another month before I hit the goal.

Having an unkempt beard is driving me nuts however Wesley is beside himself with appalledness (not a word but you get the point.) Both are good incentives to keep going. Currently I am at  woolly booger status with him but evidently the insults are going to get worse by the end of this blog. I have offered to let him sort it out if he comes over but thus far he is being resistive, for some reason. In the mean time we count down to the first ten kgs and it grows and grows.

I will keep you posted of its magnificent luxuriousness. At least one of you will be watching with interest.

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